I Can't
by Revhead
Summary: Dean and Cas are in the middle of a heated argument. Cas wants to know why Dean won't give them a chance. Destiel.


**I Can't**

"Dammit, Cas, I said no."

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel exactly the same way I do. Look me in the eyes and tell me we're just friends. Look me in the eyes and tell me you haven't wanted this since the day we met. Look me in the eyes, Dean Winchester, and tell me you don't love me."

Dean lifted his gaze to look directly into Castiel's eyes, and said nothing.

"Then why can't we try?"

"Because."

"I have a right to know, Dean."

"What do you want from me, Cas? You want to go around holding hands and sharing ice-creams? You want to snuggle with me in crappy motel beds every night? You want to find a nice house with a white picket fence and settle down? You want to adopt 2.5 kids and get a dog and grow old together? Because you know that is never going to be my life."

"All I want is you, Dean. I don't need anything else."

"Look, man, I'm doing you a favour. You don't want to get into this with me. I'm scarred and broken and I drink too much and-"

"I don't care. There is nothing you could say about yourself right now that could change the way I feel about you. I saw you at your lowest point, Dean – I saw you when you were torturing souls in Hell – and I loved you even then."

"Stop using that word. You don't love me."

"Yes, I do."

"Well you shouldn't! You could have anyone you wanted, Cas. Go out there and find a pretty girl with a cute smile and innocent blue eyes who doesn't have any issues or blood on her hands, who loves life and kittens and would treat you right. You deserve to be with someone who can make you happy."

"You could."

"No, Cas. My answer is no. Leave it alone."

"I am _not_ going to leave this alone, Dean! I fought through an army of demons to rescue you from Hell, I fought monsters and brothers to save your life, and I fought by your side against every adversary. If there is anything I have learned it is that _you,_ Dean Winchester, are worth fighting for."

"Stop it! Stop talking like that. You're making this harder. I'm sorry, but I can't love you, Cas. I just can't."

"Why?"

"Because I'm a Winchester! Because if I let myself love with you you'll die some painful horrible death and I will lose you forever. I saw how Mom reacted when Dad died. I saw what my Mom's death turned Dad into. I saw what Jessica's death did to Sam. I am the _least_ of them and if they couldn't cope with losing their soul mates I don't stand a chance! If I let myself love you it will _break me_, Cas. I can't do it. I can't lose you. I _can't_."

"Lying to yourself won't change how you feel, Dean. I can't promise that nothing bad will ever happen to me, but when I go I don't want to have any regrets. For example… I know I would regret not kissing you now."

Cautiously, wary of scaring Dean away, Cas leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against Dean's. He could taste the saline of his tears, and knew Dean was battling against fear, heartbreak and the belief that good things could never happen to him. Dean didn't think he deserved to be happy. Dean didn't think he deserved to be saved.

Right from the start, Cas had made it his mission to prove Dean wrong.

Pulling back just slightly, Cas whispered, "This moment right here, right now, is worth more to me than one thousand lifetimes. And if it was a choice between living forever, or dying tomorrow knowing that I was loved by you, I would choose you, Dean. Always you."

Dean didn't reply. His eyes were closed, his whole body was trembling, his breaths stuttered unevenly, and silent tears were falling like rain.

Castiel's heart broke. Gently, so gently, he drew Dean into his arms. "I love you, Dean."

Dean's reply was barely a whisper. "I – I love you, too, Cas."

Dean broke down, and Cas held him as he cried. It was an early outpouring of grief for a time when Cas might not be there to comfort him, and somehow it helped Dean to be at peace with the uncertainty of their future. In a way it was goodbye, but neither of them had any intention of leaving. Til death do us part.

When Dean regained his composure he shifted so he could gaze into Castiel's eyes. A small smile curved his lips. "I think I would regret not kissing you now."


End file.
